The thunder crashed. The storm raged on in the land of motherhood, and I was growing very weary.
It had been a particularly difficult several months of trying to win my big kid’s hearts and their trust while giving them room to work out some struggles for themselves. I realized direct, authoritarian-style parenting felt most natural for me. “Do this and this…and expect this. As a born problem-solver, it took me a long while to realize that my teens usually don’t want me to solve theirs. Listening and guiding while giving them the freedom to make choices feels like pushing against driving rain—and frankly, is just as uncomfortable.
“I don’t want to talk about it!” The adamant, closed tone was in response to me trying to understand what had caused the sullen, defeated demeanor.
“You just don’t understand!” This from another kid. True. I didn’t. I really didn’t. The dramatic response just didn’t seem justified for the current circumstances. I fought back the desire to say it out loud.
Another teen slumped around depressed and with moods relentless and intense—enough to ensure this mother was armed with strong espresso and a sudden desire to run needless errands. An umbrella to protect myself from the storm brewing in my house when I returned. If I returned….just kidding…kinda kidding.
I tried my utmost to remember that none of these responses to typical teen struggles was a rejection of me as a parent. I couldn’t afford to be offended and distracted even though sometimes it hurt deeply. These were battles I had to let them fight while fighting in prayer.
All I wanted to do was speak frustrated truth to them, and truth in love wasn’t in my radar. If my teens have doubts and fears my tendency can be to tell them the truth. But a truth-speaking parent without love is simply a controlling parent. Love shines through when we listen without an agenda, give them empathy, and gradual, earned freedom to make decisions without coercion.
“You must let your kid’s battle in order to strengthen them for the many battles they must fight ahead. This can mean letting them question their faith, and go through other really hard things without trying to convince them of your opinion or the truth.” The wise words spoken to me several years ago from a mentor-friend lingered in my mind. I realized the hardest part of motherhood to date wasn’t sleepless nights or even the trepidation of choices they would make in the future.
The hardest part of motherhood is standing by, letting them know you love them and support them, while looking on as a raging storm batters them mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It takes parenting grit and guts to keep from scooping them up, distracting them, and reassuring them everything will be just fine as we used to do whenever a bee stung or a dog bit. In retrospect, to distract with a few of their favorite things was so easy compared to this.
But parents, storms and trials are hallowed training grounds. God created parents to nurture, care for their kids and to protect them from harm. It’s hard offering to show them how to fight, but then letting them get dirty, bruised, and training for future battles—battles that are only sure to increase in difficulty.
I reminded myself that things felt hugely important to me as a kid that were now pretty insignificant. I attempted to understand. I tried to just listen and care without trying to control the situation or fix the problem. To listen with my heart instead of my head and to let them ride out the storm.
The winds started to change. Not that I could control the winds, but God knew I was depending on Him and blessed me with a bit of sunshine. I sure was grateful!
One of my kid’s asked if I would do a Bible Study with them. I chose Armor of God by Priscilla Shirer and we’ve been learning how to fight spiritual battles together. I was humbled that she, not I, suggested it. There has been a new hope growing and blooming. Laughter and lightheartedness are becoming a new norm.
One evening I finished our evening study and prayed blessings over her, then went upstairs and asked the man-boy who towers over me if I could pray over him. He let me. Right there, in front of his friend who he was helping on speakerphone with his homework. I prayed for courage and blessings over him…that boy with so many questions that have no answers…and that he would know the reality of God’s love for him. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. It warmed this momma heart until it was just melted puddles.
Then to the other very tall young man whose twin bed looks too small for his lanky frame, who has frustrated me more than I can say, even if I knew all the words in Websters. He looked up from reading his Bible—rarely missing a night since over a year ago when their youth group suggested a Bible reading challenge to create discipline. I told him how proud I am of him and that he’s more diligent than me. He smiled and told me he sometimes skips. I prayed the same prayer over him I’ve prayed so many times.
Prayers of blessing, for courage as a disciple of Jesus to stand up for and fight for what is good and right. For my kids to know how completely they are loved by God. Because until we know, deeply and truly know, how much we are loved by God, we will not love Him back. He first loved us.
My heart is full. I know I can grow so much in modeling personal spiritual disciplines, walking with them in prayer and teaching godliness, but I’m so grateful for God’s mercies shining in the lives of my kids. It is definitely not me—a mom who really just wants to do battle for my kids—who helps my kids grow in faith and hope.
I definitely don’t have all—sometimes I don’t have any—parenting answers. It takes pressure off of us as parents to know it is Christ alone that will help our teens weather the storms and trials. It is Him alone we trust to bring them through those storms with a stronger faith, and the tenacity and courage to continue on!
Battling beside you,
Cheryl
PS. I know it’s an unpopular opinion, but I do love parenting teens for the most part! Just like earlier years, there are ups and downs bringing both delight and heartache. I appreciate those that ride the parenting rollercoaster well, focusing on the many joys, and then encouraging us by going along for the ride! Please encourage those that are behind you in their journey….we can learn from your mistakes and celebrate and learn from the lessons you have learned!