She was afraid to ask me the question. Or maybe she didn’t really want to hear the truth. I had already explained the reasons behind my decision, but it wasn’t good enough for her. So she assumed; she surmised while voicing to her friends the wondering thoughts she had about me, and they put their assumptions together like little pieces to a jigsaw puzzle, until their conclusion made sense in the picture that they had preconceived. They could justify the judgment they had placed upon me because they created the missing pieces until the picture seemed right to them. It really hurt, but was I being too sensitive?
Has someone ever criticised you or a choice you’ve made and sometime later, copied that exact behavior? Jealousy and judgment are sisters. Many times their standard is another person and after a while, the criticizer realizes they never had a true conviction for it and was just insecure in their decision; because they cared more about how they appeared to other people than who they are to God. Insecurity breeds judgment, and when our security isn’t placed firmly in our value in God’s eyes, we constantly struggle with feeling less than and worry too much about how others see us.
We have all been judged and misjudged. Yet we often don’t want to use those words because they have been used as a scapegoat by so many that don’t want to live by any moral compass other than their own. You’ve heard it. Don’t judge me!! Don’t forget to take the beam out of your own eye, before you harshly condemn me for my choices! We’ve heard the warning in reverse so many times as “Don’t judge me!” that I think we get a little indignant about the fact that as followers of Jesus, we really are told not to judge others. We begin to make excuses that the scripture is being misinterpreted and we are only discerning the truth. Sounds pretty holy, right?
But guys, it’s still there, and it’s there for plenty of good reasons. We give ourselves so much grace, and yet nit-pick at smaller offenses in others.
We can’t ignore it. I’m shocked and saddened at the critical self-righteous pride I witness regularly in women around me and I can’t ignore it. In an era of social media, we are quick to judge the intentions behind every post and every photo. We’ve already made the judgment about the person and instead of believing the good and innocent until proven guilty, we choose to add it to our pile of their condemnation. It’s a little more validation that we are doing just a little bit better in that weak area of ours. It feels good. At least I’m doing well at something.
At least I don’t mother like that. The poor kid just needs some discipline or unconditional love.
She obviously needs attention and validation. Wow, she must be really lonely in her marriage.
Did you see what she was wearing?! I’ll describe it to you. We need to pray for her. (If we need to give details about someone else’s need for prayer, we need prayer for ourselves!)
Maybe I should give her some advice or a book that will help her.
Maybe we are totally right about her…or him. But, just maybe, we are dead wrong. If we are right and there’s a feeling of superiority behind it, we are wrongly-right because of our pride and satisfaction in feeling that we are, in comparison, at least doing better in that area. Meet the plank in the eye.
I was that self-righteous person in the very dearest relationship to me, to my husband. In the first years of our marriage, the one I loved most was cut deeply by my pride— by a log big enough to be timbered. If your intent is just to speak the naked truth, because it is THE TRUTH, I will tell you first hand that unless the truth you speak is in humble love, you may as well be a bonging cymbal. (1 Cor. 13:1)
Those around you will agree with you if they’re using their own strength to bang their own cymbals, and they will highly approve of your staunch, godly stand on truth. Your posts and conversation that say loudly, “See, this is how it’s done.” and your declaration of guilt on another will be approved by those in your cymbal band. But those that see the hypocrisy will stuff earbuds in their ears, distance themselves, and shut out the very truth you want to share with them. (Boy, do I wish I would have learned this earlier with my children!) There are few that cannot see right through the condemnation and lack of humility.
Repentance of pride, a good dose of humility, and an understanding that appearances aren’t everything have helped us build a rock-solid marriage. Unfortunately, it’s not a one time deal. It’s an everyday deal.
If you’ve done any spiritual gift tests and discovered prophecy is your gift, you will recognize immediately this challenge of speaking the truth in love! We need to speak the truth and just can’t stand when someone doesn’t see it. When we lack humility, we don’t wait on the Holy Spirit to lift the veil. Ohhh nooo, we will just do it for them! (It’s okay, ask my husband what happens when I try to do it for him. Hint: nagging)
Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:3-5)
The irony is in that when immediate forgiveness can’t be given, there is a spiritual blindness that comes over the one who has been wronged. We don’t even know we are becoming bitter, but the root of bitterness grows into an ugly plant of self-righteousness. Pride nourishes the self-righteous person and the criticism and judgment blossoms looking like a dead bouquet of jealousy and insecurity; with that comes to gossip and condemnation.
I feel a lonely world around me. I could be mistaken, but I sense a lot of quick and harsh judgment resulting in relationships that lack intimacy at best and destroyed relationships at worst. Our conclusion is pounded with a gavel with a few pieces of hearsay or assumption being our only evidence. We add in pieces we build with our imagination, never having walked beside them through their steep mountains of pain; our hands don’t reach out in mercy.
Finally, we push a false and hypocritical gospel that’s unappealing. The strongest evidence of a judgmental person is a lack of mercy and grace. Until we’ve been filled to overflowing with the Grace-giver, we have nothing good to pour out. We become too impatient to form a relationship and to understand their journey before we have concluded they’re doing it all wrong. We may as well shout, “Hey…you dumb person! You are going over a cliff! Come on and get onto my right path!”
Are those that are easily triggered just too sensitive to hear the truth? Maybe. Rejected people are extremely sensitive people and we all experience sensitivity in some areas. I have wanted to let people know they just need to stop with the ultrasensitivity, yet I have often been one of them! The truth is, none of us cares what the truth is until it’s spoken in love and in humility. That was my story. What’s your story?
5 signs bitterness may have taken root:
Insecurity. We may have little confidence in ourselves and believe we are humble. Devalued, rejected and never good enough are constants in our lives. The need to compare with someone that isn’t as attractive, fit, and “together” in life is necessary to feel a false sense of security.
Judgment. Until proven guilty doesn’t apply here. They look guilty and we know how to help them and do it better.
Jealousy. I just don’t know how she does it. If someone’s misery or misfortune makes us feel a little better, we are jealous. Do we find ourselves making comparisons to others and feeling better or worse, dependent upon whether we are doing better than they are or worse than they are?
Gossip. We will enjoy discussing other people in the guise of concern or curiosity. When we talk about others, are we questioning their motives or believing the best about them? Do we pass on interesting facts about others that we wouldn’t share if the one we are speaking about would be in the group?
I’ve found myself guilty of all of the above. If you have too, get ready for unbelievable freedom and restoration in damaged and broken relationships! First, we ask God to show us hurt that is hidden, stuffed away and forgotten. We grieve those losses, then repent as we are shown our bitterness. As we are incredibly forgiven, we are moved with mercy to ask others that we have harmed for forgiveness. The process is not easy, but the benefits will far outweigh the discomfort! If you are interested in knowing more of my story of overcoming my struggle of judgment, contact me!
You are loved.
Cheryl Peachey