I’m so thankful that my parents gave us an incredible example of the importance of dating and couples getaways, especially after being married. As kids, we looked forward to the excitement of the mystery drop off location, usually at my grandma’s house but sometimes aunts and uncles or random friends of the family.
During our last trip to Wellsboro, as we chatted about flashbacks of memories of the last 18 years of about 1,800 dates and annually planned getaways to celebrate anniversaries, I realized I was having more fun with my husband then I’d ever had. I’m talking ever….as in before we were married fun with my best friend that is trumping our dating days!
Before you doubt me, you have to understand our personalities. When we have a weekend getaway, I may spend 6 hrs (okay, maybe more) researching location, rooms, the best price, online deals, the ‘what to do’ section relating to the general area, restaurants, and reviews of the food and environment. My lists of what to take may be longer than your Christmas lists are because I take some pride in knowing that anything I could possibly want to wear or need is with me. It also gives me a little joyful, triumphant feeling if I can meet hubby’s needs in a similar way. The details in planning for each of our four children this way requires an faux energy even megadoses of caramel macchiatos could not produce. I could go on…and on….but you understand. I want it to be perfect. Like the kind of perfection that real life is not. Now, for the opposite personality. Hubby needs a bag. It is really no big deal if the toothbrush or bare essentials have been forgotten. He’ll just find a store. A pair of shoes (maybe), an extra outfit that may or may not work for our destination, and a Starbucks app on his phone that has taken us 10+ miles outside of our route to find a university bookstore Starbucks that we may or may not have used for a coffee fix.
His preferences: A quiet, quaint location with nice rooms where people aren’t overly friendly and a TV that pulls in the New England Patriots game that weekend. A steakhouse, pizza and plenty of Starbucks coffee and he’d have that look about him like Garfield does after he’s consumed lots of lasagnas. He likes the outdoors but really prefers to be restful (read: all hiking trails should be looped so that one doesn’t need to worry that every step taken must be retraced to get back).
My preferences: Perfection. See how simple I am?!
The awesome thing about him is he selflessly hikes up and down mountains with me, goes shopping at antique malls, and cautiously eats 5-course meals in fine dining establishments. The teeny crystal dish of sorbet doesn’t make sense to him and we order a pizza afterward because he’s still hungry, but he doesn’t complain.
There was often a feeling of disappointment when I realized how very different we were and I focused on those differences instead of what we had in common. We just weren’t two peas in a pod. We were on a run of 5-6 years of trying Select Registry Inns and topnotch Bed & Breakfast establishments. This was my idea. How quaint. I chose a sweater vest for him to wear so he could fit in and look classically casual in the burgundy Queen Anne chair placed in a poised angel in our room. Mamma Mia! I made him wear an ugly sweater vest with his wire-framed glasses so he could fit in with the high backed chairs!!! Who does that?! I rock the furniture with silent laughter every time I remember the photo of him wearing the most annoyed expression outfitted in a drab vest sitting sullenly in a stuffy, burgundy upholstered chair. I created that classic looking, albeit annoyed sweater vest date. Expectations kill relationships in the oddest of ways and I pat myself on the back now that I no longer choose his clothing unless he asks me for advice or we’re having a family photo taken. Family photo sessions are a whole separate blog post.
Those days are in a decade of the pretty-long-ago past. Thank God! Here are a few lessons I learned to enjoy my man and make amazing memories together every time we go out.
1. Let your spouse be who they are…this includes wearing what they like to wear. It will be difficult if they really want to wear the sweater vest, but try to appreciate their unique style. You did choose to date them after all, and they chose their own clothes. Don’t take it personally if he scoops up the linguine on a fork to show the waitress his disappointment at the lack of alfredo sauce. You are one in spirit, not one in brain.
2. Compromise. If your tastes differ in activities, go shopping while he watches football. Or eat pizza and watch football one night and take him someplace nice to enjoy fine cuisine the next time in his jeans and “dressy” t-shirt. Our guys are more sacrificial than you assume when you think they should read your mind. Talk about it.
3. Learn from each other. I learned that it annoyed him because it took me so long to pack, and not really that our car was loaded. I really haven’t scaled back the amount of stuff I pack but I do it much more quickly. If I have 10 outfits thrown in for 48 hours, I have choices. I learned he really is fine if he has to spend $4.00 on a new toothbrush because he forgot his. I started saying, “Happy Birthday!” or “Merry Christmas!” when the saver in me gets annoyed at the lack of forethought and don’t say, “You could’ve bought a Venti Caramel Macchiato with the money you just spent.” Never mind, I still say that.
4. Expectations. This is a biggie. Not having time to imagine how fabulous the weather, the food, and the fun will be has graciously released us both from disappointment in expectations not met. If something is a little weird to us, we laugh our heads off and find coffee somewhere. He’s settled for Dunkin’ many times; I’ve not nagged too much when we drive 30 miles to find a Starbucks.
5. Forgive immediately. This should really be first. If something is bothering you before you head out, stop. Surrender your frustrations to the One who brought you two crazy opposites together in the first place and just laugh. It will be funny someday.
Date your man (or woman) often and remember, the clothes do not need to fit the date.
Cheryl Peachey