Lost hope, of being loved for who she was rather than for what she could do or be for him was mirrored in the jagged shards of glass glimmering like mosaics in a pool of coffee. Restoring a relationship that was so hopelessly broken, made any effort feel futile and was as unlikely as piecing together the coffee pot to a thing of worth. Odd how that carafe was thrown against the metal door in a surge of anger so heated it put the temperature of the liquid running down the door to shame. She’d always vehemently declared that divorce wasn’t an option and wouldn’t end like that of her parents, causing so much pain for her and her siblings.
The shock registered more severely in his eyes than hers. She was taught it was wrong to be angry, yet spewing temper was becoming the norm. Good Christian wives shouldn’t be so angry, yet repeated attempts to curb the hurt feelings only delayed the outbursts until they boiled over. He had become a man so apologetic to her nagging and criticism of his actions and longed to please her. His failure to make her happy added to the rejection he already faced on a daily basis, coming from every other direction in his world, both past, and present. The inability to meet her expectations had become so common, he grew a tough skin to any of her expressions of hurt. It seemed as if he no longer cared when hurting tears were cried and her attempts to get him to care just pushed him farther away. He built higher walls, and so did she. The feelings of dislike were so strong they presented a knotted physical chest pain, but affected only hours lost in sleep and a realization that they were bound to be a divorced statistic–almost as popular in Christian marriages as those that make no claim. The pride and unforgiveness began to create strong barriers to prevent more hurt, mimicking the great divide on the mattress – the antispooning effect.
The result was bitterness and unforgiveness, giving power to the devil, known to create divisions in mankind all thru history-making its way into a marriage devoted “until death do us part”.
Fresh air is what she needed. He could clean up the mess. Finally, it wasn’t going to be about what he needed or wanted. She’d done everything in her power to help their marriage thrive and change the special kind of selfish jerk she’d married. If he experienced a fraction of the pain the disappointment, his addiction, deceit, rejection and unfaithfulness had caused her, it would be justified.
Choose hope. So often she chose hope. God wanted her to be cherished, didn’t He?! The human choice to hope can create a search in the most likely places-any place that we can put forth effort and control. The exhausting late night talks to attempt effective communication (so touted by self-help authors) created a vicious cycle of blame, hurt, anger and false humility. Days of mutual silent treatment turned into weeks of both forgiveness and grace refused. Therapist’s conflict resolution strategies were equally ineffective: recognizing the cycle, stopping that behavior and changing the typical response proved a ridiculous solution. Every time the hurt was recognized, the response was not in her power to control. He may as well have told an angry, wounded lion to take a deep breath, count to 10, and choose a different response. A different response was impossible with the crazy emotional storm brewing in intensity, and a lost struggle in keeping the destructive winds contained always ensued. It was only a matter of time until there would be another big fight. The accusing words waiting to be released only strengthened in fury each and every time the wounded hurts were bruised again.
Trying to convince him of his sinful behavior sometimes produced temporary guilt, disguised as conviction, giving her hope. Condemning guilt lasts only so long until the rebel comes out of hiding and continues his former behavior linked to his heart’s condition. Nagging him about the consequences he would face physically, emotionally, spiritually and even financially, were short-lived successes because he only became bitter about her placing herself into the role of his mother or her self-righteous tone. Begging God to open his eyes to his sin hadn’t worked, either. Hope placed in a flawed human being will always be dashed, as she would soon learn.
(to be continued)