Married Misery or Disastrous Divorce…or Is There Another Option? (part 2)

Prayer works…or doesn’t it? She prayed hard. She prayed for specifically for him. She prayed faithfully, and she prayed their marriage wouldn’t have the same ending as her parent’s marriage.

Answered prayers, you’d think, would be in our favor, for a request we all know must be God’s will. It seems a given–to pray for God’s will to be done–and boom! with enough faith, his eyes would be opened to the truth of what he was doing wrong.

She prayed even when she didn’t want to; he’d proven he didn’t deserve it. “Change him, Lord. Oh, change him so much into a man after your heart that I won’t recognize this jerk anymore.” Maybe with more passion? “Change this man that hurts me so much I don’t want to be married to him. I can’t help but regret my vowels. He sucks the joy from my life and doesn’t love me like you commanded him to sacrificially love me. I just don’t feel any love for him anymore. Yet trying to get rid of him is as bloody and painful as an amputation from my own body…we’ve been together for so many years and I don’t know how to live without him, but dread living the rest of my life, miserable with him. I love him and I hate him. Oh, he needs You! I want him to see his need for You! Thank you for your promises to take care of us. Forgive him, and help me to love him even when he doesn’t deserve it.”

Oh yes, girlfriends…prayer works! The power of prayer is very real, and yet the power doesn’t come from us. God doesn’t need us to assume the power of the Holy Spirit and attempt His work in the lives of others. He wants to change us!

She didn’t give up the fight easily. (If there’s a will, there’s a way, right?! Women are an incredibly strong force to be reckoned with… aren’t we?)  A book that resurfaced from a women’s seminar years earlier was dusted off and devoured. She took a special weekend to apply her newly found methods to becoming the woman of his dreams. She was sure he really couldn’t help but adore her after she applied her plan. She liked a challenge, and he was her new project–she’d gotten wind of wisdom and she became convinced that God uses us to change others. So she changed. She did only things that pleased him and became the most agreeable, positive, and non-confrontational doormat that had ever been walked upon.

But the message at her heart’s door quickly changed from a welcoming cute Target variety “Hello” to a drab “No one’s home” mat. She’d been beaten down from countless failed attempts and could no longer bear up under his uncaring, callous treatment of her heart. “Don’t come back” became the cold-shouldered message spoken by her body language and silent treatment. Even if she let him back inside, the walls in place for protection would be a mighty fortress, thick and wide. He wouldn’t have the pleasure of knowing the mistrust of him, and misuse of her heart, had caused a pain so incredibly deep, it reached heights of intensity she felt physically. Nope, she wouldn’t be vulnerable with him and let him see her tears. From that day forward, she determined to keep him at a distance. She became depressed from the rejection she felt constantly.

As she sought God, He spoke gently to her heart about her need. Her prayers began to change to prayers of blessing heaped upon the one she’d committed to love. Strength to walk uprightly, a desire to seek God–and God alone– for his needs, wisdom, and direction. She began to speak life-giving words over him as her relationship with God stepped increasing toward healing. She began to realize her spirit battles of pride, unforgiveness, and envy were as much a rejection of God as were her husband’s visible sins.

Hers sins were more acceptable to others, but her unveiled heart began to see that her need for amazing Grace was not less measurable by a holy God.

That thought humbled her. She began to realize that her needs for appreciation, adoration, gifts of love and selflessness, were only designed to be met in her Father God, and her husband would never be able to meet the unrealistic expectations she’d placed on him. She repented of seeking to fulfill those jealous needs of a stronger relationship to a more loving man for what it was: envy and unfaithfulness.

She asked for forgiveness for her attempts to convince and control and spoke to him the life-giving words of a friend, “I was not meant for that place of Convincer and Convicter in your life. If I take that place, intercepting the Holy Spirit, I am trying to be God.” Her wise words were accepted as truth, and their marriage began to heal.  They both experienced peace and relief as a healing balm to frustrated hearts. As she stopped trying to control his heart by controlling his actions, he realized the great responsibility he was given to love her and pursue God.

Healing done by the Father comes with such clarity, that it could have only come from the Great Physician, that it gives a sure hope. Sure hope is far more joy-filled than momentary happiness that we experience when some form of hope comes as a result of our human-controlled action.

Girlfriends, this woman has become more cherished and adored by her husband than she ever dreamed possible! She rates their marriage a 9 on a scale of 1-10, only because she thinks a 10 is perfection not found on this side of heaven!

Take sure hope, my friend! Our efforts to earn grace are always proven futile, but as we accept our incredible need for it, and are filled, it overflows onto others. Grace can only be given after we’ve fully received it ourselves. Only after her focus switched to her vertical relationship with her Heavenly Father and realized only He could truly satisfy, did she take off the pressure she’d placed on her husband to be what only He could be.

Her secrets that she wants everyone to know? She still struggles with humility (followed by repentance), but she finds joy not found from circumstances on earth. Her husband recently confided in her…”I want what you have. You have peace and joy in your life when you really shouldn’t have.” His words amazed her and the realization hit her: All her efforts to become truly loved and cherished had the opposite effect, but allowing God to do a work in her had given her exactly what she’d always wanted! Her husband absolutely adored and cherished her.

They lived (sometimes) happily, but always joyfully ever after.

Note: I’m sad that I need to add this, but I do. If you are reading this and in an abusive situation, get out and get help! Similarly, if you are married and your husband is repeatedly unfaithful, please seek guidance and good counsel. All “Christian” labeled counsel is not good counsel.  Finally, if you know your marriage (or any other relationship) is in trouble, I highly recommend the life-changing ministry ofhttps://www.restoringrelationships.org/

 

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