A couple weeks away from the historically popular goal-setting day of New Year’s Eve and I’m thinking a lot of the overwhelmed feeling of defeat and failure we often feel in the areas of our lives that are a top priority. I have a changed perspective that initiated an immense amount of positive life-changing hope for me when I encounter feelings of failure.
Often the discouragement increases in strength in several areas of life before I recognize the defeated voice speaking to my soul. It tells me things like ‘you are destined to be out-of-shape, an impatient mother who is scarring her children with harsh words, lacking in self-discipline, a self-righteous woman lacking empathy by setting an unreachable bar for her husband, a prime example of not-enough’. The thing is at certain times I have been all those things in my eyes and sometimes, in reality.
I realize many times maybe I need some humility dumped over me like a cold glass of water, spurring me to action. The problem lies in my reaction to the feelings of defeat. I don’t feel humble, just weak and incapable of moving forward. I long for the quiet of my bedroom, to escape reality by rewatching the next season of Gilmore Girls because at least for a little while, I’m laughing so hard I’m crying at scenes of ridiculous sarcasm. My hubby gives me that lost look as he’s incredulous why anyone would find humor in it and I don’t care because I’m not thinking about what a lost cause I am. I think how I need fresh air and to run until the cold air hurts my face and my lungs feel like they’re ready to admit failure with me when my husband admits he’s fallen in an area of his life. I desperately wanted him to reach higher toward greater victory and in assuming control, I admit defeat when it’s not even my battle. When my son sadly tells me I’m always right…and I never wanted to be that mom that was always right. I thought I had been humble and asked for forgiveness so many times when I failed and I just want to be defensive and remind him of the times I did the right thing. The little reminders of unmet expectations, all piled in an ugly heap like too many days of dirty laundry, become overwhelming indicators to us that we are failing and falling hard.
Last Christmas my sister in law’s mom was dying of breast cancer. An excruciating pain consumed her body in its stage-4 aggressive state of horrific pain that no amount of prescribable morphine could subdue. Being with this incredible pillar of faith, asking God to just reach down and touch her and give her some relief or just take her home immediately touched a painful memory of a dear aunt and her pain in her last days battling cancer. The sadness of life, when stuffed inside along with other stresses in my life, was imploding as it does when there are just too many areas of defeat and the walls eventually break wide open, falling onto the unsuspecting or imploding into one’s self in a deep depression but hurting others all around you regardless of the reaction.
I’d made lots of resolutions over the years. Some I stuck to and experienced the heights of victory. But those that were daily habits — lifestyle changes that required consistent, repeated self-discipline — would start out with a passionate fever, calling all aboard in my excitement for change. I thrive on setting unattainable goals as if by reaching for the stars I wouldn’t end up lying in the dirt and that would somehow push me to greater heights. I’m ashamed to admit I also like to set goals for others, disregarding their personality, where they are in their journey, and desire to be pushed and stretched in uncomfortable directions.
This past year I’ve implemented a healthy habit that has carried me from January 1 to now and I’ve learned much more than of the good mental and physical benefits that come from daily exercise. Realization of the roadblocks to success in all areas of higher desire in my pursuit of a deeper relationship with God and others, financial and fitness goals and an underlying ‘okayness’ with whatever is part of the plans God has for me were also unexpected byproducts.
Your goals or desires, whatever they may be, will have the most treacherous stumbling blocks appearing when you’ve believed the lies of failure instead of fallen. When you’ve failed, you’ve been defeated. The game is over. When you recognize you’ve only stumbled and the game is far, far from being over then you get back up again because you know to fall is to be human. If you’ve wronged someone, the path that is paved with wisdom includes humbly repenting as part of rising back up. If it’s not a relational fall affecting others, it’s even easier to get back up again. Regardless, it’s important because the process becomes a learned perspective of focus that affects relationships too.
What dreams and desires is God working on in your heart? I’ll be writing on overcoming depression, debt reduction and the transition to living under our financial means, healing in relationships and specific details for the process in later posts. For now, what do you want to change?
I hated exercise. I only wanted to run if someone was chasing me. My hope is that the lessons I learned during my journey of speed walking/jogging hundreds of miles– panting up hills in single digit wind chills and late evening running after the heat subsided–will encourage you to pursue whatever is on your heart and mind with a renewed passion of confidence in what has formerly been impossible for you! If failure and defeat is no longer an option, you will be left speechless as you victoriously climb that next peak, remember the steep incline, and marvel that you just became an overcomer. The view is beautiful. Let’s go!
- Set attainable, reasonable goals. Instead of killing myself for several days in a full out run and going as far as I could, (this is always what I did….I’m a sprinter by nature with little endurance) and ending up in a sore, sad little couch heap watching an exercise DVD and feeling sort of satisfied that it felt like I just exercised, I decided only to do what I could in 15-20 minutes. It’s not about what you can prove to yourself. You can reach higher later.
- Eliminate the excuses. I absolutely hated jogging on a treadmill like a guinea pig on a wheel going nowhere. I also didn’t like to exercise in the house. I needed nature and fresh air to motivate me and clear my head. My excuses were that I didn’t have anyone to watch the kids and our roads are very dangerous. I found a way to do it safely without the kids and became flexible to whatever time of day that meant. I use Pandora without earbuds so I can hear traffic and jump off the road respecting traffic.
- Don’t idolize your goals; give yourself grace. There were days I just couldn’t. I had shoulder pain from an old injury, my family needed me or a commitment that was too important to miss. Don’t make relationships and other important things pay for a perfectionist nature in reaching your goals. It’s never too get back on track even if it will be a little difficult.
- Grace isn’t a cop-out. When you fall (bad habits, bad decisions, etc. that discourage you from your goal), admit your humanity and get back up and at it. The failure has only become a reality when you admit defeat and stay on the ground.
- Enjoy and embrace the goodness and the victories you experience and thank God openly for them. Reject the voices of doubt. Repeat.
I’m excited for what God is about to do in your life and how He will use you! Feel free to share how you have become an overcomer.
Cheryl Peachey