Sex Abuse, Hate for the Church, and our Failed Responsiblity

I have never witnessed so much disdain, disgust, and hatred for the Christian church as I have in the past couple of years. Have you noticed it too? Maybe it’s because I’m reading comments on social network sites and the commenter now has an open platform and many others to add fuel to his fire. I am without a doubt that this disgust is not directed only to the conservative church, but I am specifically speaking of the conservative church because my perspective is more clear into my background.

I keep asking myself why.

Why, when our lives are representing Christ and mirror more grace and love than (hopefully) any other religious group, is there so much bitterness against the Christian church? I noticed it in deafening tones, explaining there would never be any returning to a certain denomination because of the betrayal and hypocrisy regarding sex abuse. I observed it in those that will no longer be a part of any Christian circles because God does not only fail to prevent the abuse, but some of the leaders representing God ARE the abusers. We are all representatives. We are the church. We can’t ignore the widespread #metoo movement, and that the sex abuse and coverups are also in the church. I see a #churchtoo movement beginning. The smoldering embers are already there. I believe abuse in the church is only a part–but a bigger part than you and I can fathom–of the underlying offense, betrayal and hurt in the church that has created a bitter taste for all things related to God.

What is my personal responsibility as part of the church? What can you and I do to allow those that have been victimized to know we won’t stand for the evil that has been committed against them, but we will stand united with them against evil? Only in the last five or so years did I even know. But others knew. What did they do about it?

The evidence says not enough. Not nearly enough was done to stand strong against the robbing of innocence. There was not enough awareness of signs, seeking the needed help, confronting the offender, and obeying the law by turning them in. I’m convinced that hovering safely around each other and repeating whispered stories of how we heard about how a certain person’s abuse against another person is not what God has called us to do. Suggesting the need to just pray for the bitter victim to be able to forgive the offender, and for the offender to be truly repentant, is a cop-out to the complexity of what needs to be done.

We repent united, on behalf of our country and the promotion of lives snuffed out that have never had a chance to defend themselves. What would it look like if we were to repent on behalf of the many, many so-called Christ followers who’ve stolen so much innocence from the beloved little children that Jesus calls to come to him? What would happen if we would believe the softly-spoken words that are so filled with shame that we need to listen intently with both our ears and eyes so we don’t miss it?

We apologize for the wrong that has been done against a brother or sister, not because we had any decided or intentional part in the offense but because we are family. The amazing strength in the body of believers is made up of every one of us, and we are bound together with unbreakable cords of humility and repentance, two words that speak love loudly.

Do you want to speak love with a voice that cannot go ignored to those that have been hurt by the church? We are the church, friends. It is our responsibility to recognize sin for what it is, stand strong and firm against it, and bring it to the light. It is our responsibility to validate, to apologize sincerely for what has been done against our family, to repent and grieve with our friends for what was stolen, and to bring the sin to light so the abuser can attain the accountability he needs to truly change.

We have gotten into the habit of believing that if we didn’t sweep the dirt under the rug, it’s not our responsibility to worry about it. It grows in moldy power under that rug, in the dark and secretive places that give strength to the abuser and offender to continue his dirty work. He then finds those that believe him and they enable him to add to his secret pile. I believe there is a demonic power given in the silence of apathy and in the lack of accountability of the worst degree. It is our problem. The church is made up of you and me. We are representatives to all of what God looks like, acts like, accepts and values.

Bitterness always comes from an offense, whether intended or unintentional, and if those that are hurt and offended by the church do not truly grieve their losses and accept the necessary steps to healing, the result is devastating–a hatred for the representatives of God, but more importantly, God Himself.

I think I’ve been naive, protected and living in a bubble most of my life. I am, in fact, sure that’s the world in which I existed. My eyes have been opened now, though, and once you’ve seen or heard such devastation, you cannot ignore it. By ignoring I mean to stay silent in the face of evil I’ve seen. I know now I must have been part of the minority, and my mind circles around to one question concerning the grotesque hypocrisy of the church and becoming reflective of Jesus: If we are the body of Christ, and one of the body offends and rejects another in the body, how can we promote healing of the wounded parts without even recognizing and admitting that there is a bleeding limb?

We can’t. The inability to move to action is impossible as long as we close our eyes to the truth.

We can distance ourselves all we want to and live in a comfortable, self-righteous world claiming that we took no part.

We didn’t know…
We didn’t see the signs…
We didn’t realize how bad it was…
We knew that it had happened, but there was open repentance from the abuser…
We didn’t think it would happen again…
We didn’t know it did happen again…again

We thought the church leadership took care of it…they should have.

We didn’t think it was true, just gossip….she never did like him and we thought she wanted to make it look bad for him. This one astounds me. I can’t imagine a person who would risk the shame and humiliation, the intense loss of family and friends, to make up a story of sexual abuse. It’s absurd. What is more believable is that the family/friends are protecting the abuser because they will not risk shame or humiliation to themselves.

She asked for it. This one is repulsive, but I read a recent commentary of a “Christian” woman blaming the wife of a perpetrator for his unfaithfulness because “she didn’t fulfill his needs.” This man was in Christian ministry and is being charged with dozens of abuse cases with former clients that are already victims of abuse. I suddenly understand the hate one must feel after being violated and then having your offender excused by a “Christian.” Our family name is becoming a dirty word, my friend. It grieves my heart.

Whether we have our valid reasons or cop-out excuses because we wrongfully believed the abuser over the victim, or we just didn’t want to get our hands dirty–our hands are filthy.

How can we show Jesus to those that have been abused, rejected or mistreated by the church? I believe there are so many ways we can do this, I’d have to write a book. But, imagine yourself hurt terribly by someone within your church or a person that called themselves a Christian, and a representative of Christ. They did not come back to you in humbled repentance for the harm they did to you. No one else stood up for you but instead turned a blind eye. Think about how that harm and rejection would have changed your life.  How incredibly powerful would it be if someone that knew what was done to you would validate how wrong it was, tell you that they are so sorry that you experienced that hurt, and support you by seeking professional counseling with you?

It might sound silly, but I’ve done that. I’ll do it again. And again. We are representatives of Christ and part of His body. Others are claiming to also be a part but are (sometimes intentionally) hurting others while representing God. We have a huge responsibility here, my friends. God will do the healing but we are his hands and feet to share his message of love.

I hope you are challenged to close the gap with someone you know that has been hurt by you or someone else in the church. It won’t take you long to think of someone that was rejected, someone that was unloved, someone that wasn’t given grace, or someone who was devalued or bullied.

Someday, I hope to hear and read comments about the failure of the church, and how the story doesn’t stop there.  The rest of the story will be how another part of the church sought forgiveness on behalf of the one who failed them by bearing their responsibility. I hope to hear, “Yes, I was hurt and wounded. Then another person came along and cared for me, took a stand with me, and loved me. I cannot hate the Christian church, because it would mean I would hate both the one that hurt me and the one that loved me. I realize that the one that loved me was the one that was the true Christ follower.”

If you take this challenge, or if you’ve already done this, I’d absolutely love to hear about the response given to you!

You are loved,

Cheryl

4 Ways We Can Take Responsibility for Sexual Abuse and Assault:

  1. Awareness. Rape is only one facet of sexual abuse. Don’t ignore inappropriate sexual comments or behavior, children’s experimentation upon each other, and any undesired sexual behavior acted upon one person by another. None of it should go ignored.
  2. Teach your children awareness. Train yourself to know the signs and keep a dialogue going with your children about inappropriate behavior from the time they are toddlers. Research and educate your children about ways to protect themselves and how to respond and report inappropriate behavior that happens to anyone. Keep communication open. Educate your children and believe them.
  3. Report. Abuse MUST be reported to civil authorities. If we take it to church leadership alone, we are committing a crime. Church leaders and anyone in a position of authority is required by law to report sexual abuse. Justice does not equal revenge. Don’t ever get this confused, and allow the misunderstanding that forgiveness means civil justice isn’t necessary. This not only prevents the perpetrator from getting the accountability he needs for freedom but promotes more abuse against others.
  4. Seek professional help. This is not referring to an untrained pastor or leader, but a licensed counselor or psychologist. I highly recommend Bethesda Family Services @http://bfsf.org

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